Kitchen lessons- Part 1

Well well well.. cooking is something I dread. Few years ago I’d never ever make a statement like this.. From where I belong I’ve never heard any girl say ‘I don’t like cooking’.. because a statement like that would make the community question your mother as to what sort of upbringing she gave her daughter. But when life hits you, ‘cooking’ and ‘I don’t like cooking’ are two different things.. it’s like saying ‘ I don’t like walking’ but you still have to walk.. life leaves you with no choice..

Coming to the lesson, I set my mind on making South Indian kerala style beef roast.. after doing the basics and adding in the right amount of spices and dicing the beef so small I let it cook.. (I’m a well known YouTube follower atleast for recipes) but in this case the lady didn’t mention how long I had to cook the beef.. so half way through I checked on the beef. The colour wasn’t right yet I braved to taste it and voila.. nope.. ‘another unsuccessful cooking episode’ I thought to myself.. I sighed and prayed ‘Lord, give me some magic powder please…’. I stirred the beef just to notice it was burnt already.. I was at the verge of crying especially since I was going to serve food to my father-in-law for the first time ever… this is the last thing I wanted.. I tasted the now burnt beef to see how to fix it and……..
My goodness, surprise awaited me… my tastebuds danced in joy..! It was so close to being perfect.. I was over the moon no doubt and that’s when the bulb in me lit up.. I was preparing beef roast so I had to roast it.. simple. what was I thinking all this while..?!?!

Food for thought: So aren’t we all like this..? I mean, aren’t we ourselves like the beef roast I was trying to prepare..? We keep ourselves on minimal or mid flame, we are talented in some way or the other, we are potential, we are creative, we can definitely do better but we stick to our comfort zone, we never try to push ourself to be at high flame where it requires taking risks.. and we sulk, we become stagnant.. and the rest of our lives we are just there doing our jobs thinking what went wrong or where we went wrong.. we keep praying to God for making our lives better but hasn’t he done his part already by blessing us with opportunities, with talents, with potential..? Isn’t it upto us to use it the right way at the right time..?!?!

Meanwhile I just turned up the flame and according to me.. ‘let the beef burn’.. that was the best decision ever.. my FIL definitely returned home with a happy stomach..

After all kitchen isn’t a bad place… 🤔🙂 I just have to learn to play with the flames (:

Iam not my religion

Iam not my religion..
How many times do I say this
How many people do I say this to
And how many people have told the same..?
Let me repeat.. Iam not my religion..

Iam the soul that has endured pain
In the soul that rejoices in little things
I’m the soul that cares and loves
I’m the soul that causes no harm
Iam the places that I’ve been to
I’m the people that I have spoken to
Iam my own experiences.. Iam me

If you can only see me if I cover my hair and change for your blood..
I’m sorry..
If you can converse with me only if I am dressed like one of you..
I’m sorry..
If you can accept me only if I say your creators name..
I’m sorry..

I’m sorry only because you are so blind..
I’m sorry that your religion doesn’t talk about love and acceptance..
I’m sorry I loved one among you and still accepted every bit of him
I’m sorry I’ve been so accommodating of it all..

What Iam not sorry about is my soul, my very being.
Let me just remind you..
there are so many of you..
Under those covered masks, with a heart half as pure as mine..
But if you think they will still get to paradise.. because they wear a scarf..
MAY HEAVEN STILL BLESS YOU!!!

New beginnings

She opened her box of collectibles..

Slowly but carefully placed them..

Looked up teary eyed,

Not wanting to think of being homeless again..

Saw her husband pass by with a smile..

And heard God whisper “here is your forever dime”!!!

#newbeginnings

Home

She knew she didn’t belong.. 

Day in and day out, this was all she felt from time unknown..

This was all she felt when she was a kid,

When she was at school,

When she found a job, 

When she got married,

This was all she felt.,. Until the day she packed her bag and left for an adventure unknown..

She wasn’t supposed to be confined to a cage, 

Because the world was her home… and she belonged there.. 

Searching.. exploring.. experiencing …

Her…

People saw her roar,

They saw a heartless woman in her,

They saw her slay,

She was like a hurricane struck ocean..

He came along and brought silence,

He knocked her down and shattered her,

But I guess that’s all she needed to find her calm waters…

Things I told myself on Women’s day

6.50 am: Lying on my bed, tired as ever, when my bestie sends me ‘Happy women’s day’ message. I have almost 10 minutes to report to work and here I am procrastinating.

I kick myself out of the bed and …tadaa… magically report myself at work by 7. I often wonder how i do it though.

7.20 am: I’ve exchanged few ‘Happy women’s day’ to some. Oh, this isnt a big deal anymore you know.. People around me don’t seem to celebrate women’s day.

2.00 pm: The day seems to have slipped by without a proper break..Just like many other days. Today is a Wednesday, my laundry day.

4.00 pm: Finished my laundry, had enough time to browse through all the women’s day related posts. all so inspiring and empowering with so much positivity. Why can’t I feel the same..??

4.30 pm: I promise myself I will find good things to say today.. So here it goes.

I will celebrate this day even if I’m tired- That’s because I work relentlessly with special needs children. I’m loved by them, attacked by the aggressive ones, some scream on my face as to how much they hate speech sessions and that I’m a monster but in their fairness some are nice to me but for the most part, on worst days I.. or for that matter, my colleagues handle 15 different children with special needs in a span of 8-10 hours. But I will celebrate this day because only a very few of us have the tolerance to put ourselves through it and hell yeah I am a woman.

I will celebrate this day even if nobody appreciates me- this is not the story of my life alone.. How many of us get appreciated for the work we do..? Be it at home or at work? How many of us get that well deserved yearly break? then how and why do we work like slaves? I don’t have an answer either but I will celebrate this day because I belong to a community where a woman is often not appreciated because ‘its her job anyway’.

I will celebrate this day because as a child I was taught I am no less. I was taught i could do everything a man could do because I’m not ‘just a woman‘ but I am a person first. I was told this world is not a safe place but I could learn to stay safe. I learnt all this from my grandfather who saw women as equals. I respect him for that, how I wish we had more of him in this world just so somebody as whimsical as me could outgrow their own cocoon. Along the way I learnt for myself I didn’t have to be a man to do so many things. I am a person and I am self sufficient to provide for myself, to take care of my self, travel on my own and to even leave a legacy someday.

So I will, I will, I will celebrate being a woman this day and only this day because on most days I don’t quite have the leisure to even think about myself. So here is to all women, who are working tirelessly, providing for their own, for their kids, for their parents and sometimes even for their husbands. Here’s to all the women who don’t have a minute to spare for themselves  and yet making a difference in this world, leaving their mark behind. Life isn’t easy, life isn’t fair, but yes on some days you will see the silver lining.. hold on and look between those dark pages.. and for days like that, be thankful.. Our lives are in our hands and we don’t realize the magnanimity we hold within ourselves. Happy Women’s Day!!!

Unworthy

“I’m sorry someone made you feel inadequate. I’m even more sorry you believed you were not enough not even for yourself”

This quote took me back 2 years in time.. the time I was married to a man i now identify as a narcissist. I’m glad that the marriage didn’t last. I’m sure both of us left scars on each other, his can be healed with love, mine cant.

Coming back to this quote, all i remember is me, a 26 year old lady crying like a 13 year old and making calls to her mum asking ‘mum, am I not good for anything?’ ‘mum, do you think your daughter is incapable?”mum is this how you brought me up?’. And that poor mum kept shuttling between her home and this broken lady’s house. My mum had a home to go back but all i had was a house. I couldn’t call that house as home because those walls had seen infinite arguments, those walls had a lady smashed on to it and things thrown at it.

Its close to unbelievable how a free bird, an independent lady like me,in many levels would just end up feeling so empty and unworthy. I was told everyday that i wasn’t good enough. the food i cooked wasn’t good enough. The things i painted were silly. the content i wrote was ugly. The things I wore weren’t good either. Up until then i considered myself as a jack of all, or a little less. i was an amateur at writing, painting, singing, dancing. I was a hardcore planner, a passionate traveler and a therapist. But every bit of my existence was labelled as unworthy. All i was called was lazy even though my other half only had to take shower and dress up all by himself, everything else was taken care of, I still don’t understand how or why I was called lazy.

But most of all, I believed in what he insisted me to believe in.. he made me feel and believe I wasn’t enough for him or even myself. That marked my downfall, I kept falling, I kept failing and kept proving him right. But unlike many others, i was lucky enough to be kicked out of that marriage. It broke my heart and existence initially but before i knew it, i was already in another country, back to being independent, working, travelling and meeting up with the love of my life..

I’ve come to realize that life couldn’t have given me a better gift than this opportunity to rediscover myself and reach this point of self realization that I’m enough!!! scars from the past do crop up, there are moments of self doubt, but then fate put love back into my life. At moments of self doubt  I now have a man to reassure me how worthy I am… I’ve just turned from unworthy to worthy all over again!!!

I hope everyone who feels unworthy finds a way to see the beauty and strength within themselves like how i did!!!

Confused Passion

There is now too much within me that needs a pillar to keep me up straight..

I know I want to travel, I know I want to feel new places, meet new people, taste different cuisines and serve the underprivileged..

and I question, why do I feel so deeply for all of the above..? Am I supposed to feel passionate about all of it or should I be choosing a path..?

I’m 28 for heavens sake, I thought I would have my life sorted. Well yes, I have a job that I love, I do travel, my personal life is balanced, then why do I feel incomplete..?

Is this my calling.. are these my options.. am I ready to leave my comfort zone…? M not sure.. then why do I feel this..? Why do children and this world, the world in itself…its beauty and cruelty make me cry? Why do people upset me?

When living thousands of miles away, why does US presidential change bother me..? I see no refugees around me, then why does it hurt so much..?

I’m simply being good at unproductiveness.. inefficient passion is so fruitless.. confused passion is not what I’d expect out of me.. but looking back I see my life in a matchbox.. a matchbox with all half burned match sticks!!

Healing

I needed cleansing,

I needed healing….

So I travelled,

I travelled far and beyond,

I went to most beautiful and secluded beaches,

I spent hours listening to the waves crash landing on the rocks,

I spent hours watching the waves wash the shorelines,

But there was no healing…

I met people,

I trekked,

I visited temples,

I kneeled in churches,

But there was no healing…

I ventured through the jungles,

I found tranquility,

I found peace,

I sensed calmness,

But there was no healing…

Then one day I went to meet the big guy on the hill top

Big Buddha…

I sat down as lost as I could be,

Watching the beautiful ocean somewhere far away,

Watching a beautiful island spread around this big guy,

Watching the little bells and charms,

Clock went ticking,

Two hours went past,

I opened my eyes and….

I knew I was healed.

I felt light,

I felt refreshed,

I felt happiness dawning on me,

I knew I was healed.

Only if I knew I would be healed when I had to be… I didn’t have to go searching for it..

Ying Yang

I am the good and bad,

I am the gloomy sky and rainbow,

I am the harvest and draught,

I am what you make out of me.
I am what you nurture me to be,

I am what you invest in me,

I am the reflection you see in the mirror…
Now tell me,

how would you treat me..

What would you instil in me..?