Slowly but carefully placed them..
Looked up teary eyed,
Not wanting to think of being homeless again..
Saw her husband pass by with a smile..
And heard God whisper “here is your forever dime”!!!
Day in and day out, this was all she felt from time unknown..
This was all she felt when she was a kid,
When she was at school,
When she found a job,
When she got married,
This was all she felt.,. Until the day she packed her bag and left for an adventure unknown..
She wasn’t supposed to be confined to a cage,
Because the world was her home… and she belonged there..
Searching.. exploring.. experiencing …
6.50 am: Lying on my bed, tired as ever, when my bestie sends me ‘Happy women’s day’ message. I have almost 10 minutes to report to work and here I am procrastinating.
I kick myself out of the bed and …tadaa… magically report myself at work by 7. I often wonder how i do it though.
7.20 am: I’ve exchanged few ‘Happy women’s day’ to some. Oh, this isnt a big deal anymore you know.. People around me don’t seem to celebrate women’s day.
2.00 pm: The day seems to have slipped by without a proper break..Just like many other days. Today is a Wednesday, my laundry day.
4.00 pm: Finished my laundry, had enough time to browse through all the women’s day related posts. all so inspiring and empowering with so much positivity. Why can’t I feel the same..??
4.30 pm: I promise myself I will find good things to say today.. So here it goes.
I will celebrate this day even if I’m tired- That’s because I work relentlessly with special needs children. I’m loved by them, attacked by the aggressive ones, some scream on my face as to how much they hate speech sessions and that I’m a monster but in their fairness some are nice to me but for the most part, on worst days I.. or for that matter, my colleagues handle 15 different children with special needs in a span of 8-10 hours. But I will celebrate this day because only a very few of us have the tolerance to put ourselves through it and hell yeah I am a woman.
I will celebrate this day even if nobody appreciates me- this is not the story of my life alone.. How many of us get appreciated for the work we do..? Be it at home or at work? How many of us get that well deserved yearly break? then how and why do we work like slaves? I don’t have an answer either but I will celebrate this day because I belong to a community where a woman is often not appreciated because ‘its her job anyway’.
I will celebrate this day because as a child I was taught I am no less. I was taught i could do everything a man could do because I’m not ‘just a woman‘ but I am a person first. I was told this world is not a safe place but I could learn to stay safe. I learnt all this from my grandfather who saw women as equals. I respect him for that, how I wish we had more of him in this world just so somebody as whimsical as me could outgrow their own cocoon. Along the way I learnt for myself I didn’t have to be a man to do so many things. I am a person and I am self sufficient to provide for myself, to take care of my self, travel on my own and to even leave a legacy someday.
So I will, I will, I will celebrate being a woman this day and only this day because on most days I don’t quite have the leisure to even think about myself. So here is to all women, who are working tirelessly, providing for their own, for their kids, for their parents and sometimes even for their husbands. Here’s to all the women who don’t have a minute to spare for themselves and yet making a difference in this world, leaving their mark behind. Life isn’t easy, life isn’t fair, but yes on some days you will see the silver lining.. hold on and look between those dark pages.. and for days like that, be thankful.. Our lives are in our hands and we don’t realize the magnanimity we hold within ourselves. Happy Women’s Day!!!
“I’m sorry someone made you feel inadequate. I’m even more sorry you believed you were not enough not even for yourself”
This quote took me back 2 years in time.. the time I was married to a man i now identify as a narcissist. I’m glad that the marriage didn’t last. I’m sure both of us left scars on each other, his can be healed with love, mine cant.
Coming back to this quote, all i remember is me, a 26 year old lady crying like a 13 year old and making calls to her mum asking ‘mum, am I not good for anything?’ ‘mum, do you think your daughter is incapable?”mum is this how you brought me up?’. And that poor mum kept shuttling between her home and this broken lady’s house. My mum had a home to go back but all i had was a house. I couldn’t call that house as home because those walls had seen infinite arguments, those walls had a lady smashed on to it and things thrown at it.
Its close to unbelievable how a free bird, an independent lady like me,in many levels would just end up feeling so empty and unworthy. I was told everyday that i wasn’t good enough. the food i cooked wasn’t good enough. The things i painted were silly. the content i wrote was ugly. The things I wore weren’t good either. Up until then i considered myself as a jack of all, or a little less. i was an amateur at writing, painting, singing, dancing. I was a hardcore planner, a passionate traveler and a therapist. But every bit of my existence was labelled as unworthy. All i was called was lazy even though my other half only had to take shower and dress up all by himself, everything else was taken care of, I still don’t understand how or why I was called lazy.
But most of all, I believed in what he insisted me to believe in.. he made me feel and believe I wasn’t enough for him or even myself. That marked my downfall, I kept falling, I kept failing and kept proving him right. But unlike many others, i was lucky enough to be kicked out of that marriage. It broke my heart and existence initially but before i knew it, i was already in another country, back to being independent, working, travelling and meeting up with the love of my life..
I’ve come to realize that life couldn’t have given me a better gift than this opportunity to rediscover myself and reach this point of self realization that I’m enough!!! scars from the past do crop up, there are moments of self doubt, but then fate put love back into my life. At moments of self doubt I now have a man to reassure me how worthy I am… I’ve just turned from unworthy to worthy all over again!!!
I hope everyone who feels unworthy finds a way to see the beauty and strength within themselves like how i did!!!
There is now too much within me that needs a pillar to keep me up straight..
I know I want to travel, I know I want to feel new places, meet new people, taste different cuisines and serve the underprivileged..
and I question, why do I feel so deeply for all of the above..? Am I supposed to feel passionate about all of it or should I be choosing a path..?
I’m 28 for heavens sake, I thought I would have my life sorted. Well yes, I have a job that I love, I do travel, my personal life is balanced, then why do I feel incomplete..?
Is this my calling.. are these my options.. am I ready to leave my comfort zone…? M not sure.. then why do I feel this..? Why do children and this world, the world in itself…its beauty and cruelty make me cry? Why do people upset me?
When living thousands of miles away, why does US presidential change bother me..? I see no refugees around me, then why does it hurt so much..?
I’m simply being good at unproductiveness.. inefficient passion is so fruitless.. confused passion is not what I’d expect out of me.. but looking back I see my life in a matchbox.. a matchbox with all half burned match sticks!!
I needed cleansing,
I needed healing….
So I travelled,
I travelled far and beyond,
I went to most beautiful and secluded beaches,
I spent hours listening to the waves crash landing on the rocks,
I spent hours watching the waves wash the shorelines,
But there was no healing…
I met people,
I visited temples,
I kneeled in churches,
But there was no healing…
I ventured through the jungles,
I found tranquility,
I found peace,
I sensed calmness,
But there was no healing…
Then one day I went to meet the big guy on the hill top
I sat down as lost as I could be,
Watching the beautiful ocean somewhere far away,
Watching a beautiful island spread around this big guy,
Watching the little bells and charms,
Clock went ticking,
Two hours went past,
I opened my eyes and….
I knew I was healed.
I felt light,
I felt refreshed,
I felt happiness dawning on me,
I knew I was healed.
Only if I knew I would be healed when I had to be… I didn’t have to go searching for it..