Category Archives: Personal melancholy and affirmations

Unworthy

“I’m sorry someone made you feel inadequate. I’m even more sorry you believed you were not enough not even for yourself”

This quote took me back 2 years in time.. the time I was married to a man i now identify as a narcissist. I’m glad that the marriage didn’t last. I’m sure both of us left scars on each other, his can be healed with love, mine cant.

Coming back to this quote, all i remember is me, a 26 year old lady crying like a 13 year old and making calls to her mum asking ‘mum, am I not good for anything?’ ‘mum, do you think your daughter is incapable?”mum is this how you brought me up?’. And that poor mum kept shuttling between her home and this broken lady’s house. My mum had a home to go back but all i had was a house. I couldn’t call that house as home because those walls had seen infinite arguments, those walls had a lady smashed on to it and things thrown at it.

Its close to unbelievable how a free bird, an independent lady like me,in many levels would just end up feeling so empty and unworthy. I was told everyday that i wasn’t good enough. the food i cooked wasn’t good enough. The things i painted were silly. the content i wrote was ugly. The things I wore weren’t good either. Up until then i considered myself as a jack of all, or a little less. i was an amateur at writing, painting, singing, dancing. I was a hardcore planner, a passionate traveler and a therapist. But every bit of my existence was labelled as unworthy. All i was called was lazy even though my other half only had to take shower and dress up all by himself, everything else was taken care of, I still don’t understand how or why I was called lazy.

But most of all, I believed in what he insisted me to believe in.. he made me feel and believe I wasn’t enough for him or even myself. That marked my downfall, I kept falling, I kept failing and kept proving him right. But unlike many others, i was lucky enough to be kicked out of that marriage. It broke my heart and existence initially but before i knew it, i was already in another country, back to being independent, working, travelling and meeting up with the love of my life..

I’ve come to realize that life couldn’t have given me a better gift than this opportunity to rediscover myself and reach this point of self realization that I’m enough!!! scars from the past do crop up, there are moments of self doubt, but then fate put love back into my life. At moments of self doubt  I now have a man to reassure me how worthy I am… I’ve just turned from unworthy to worthy all over again!!!

I hope everyone who feels unworthy finds a way to see the beauty and strength within themselves like how i did!!!

Confused Passion

There is now too much within me that needs a pillar to keep me up straight..

I know I want to travel, I know I want to feel new places, meet new people, taste different cuisines and serve the underprivileged..

and I question, why do I feel so deeply for all of the above..? Am I supposed to feel passionate about all of it or should I be choosing a path..?

I’m 28 for heavens sake, I thought I would have my life sorted. Well yes, I have a job that I love, I do travel, my personal life is balanced, then why do I feel incomplete..?

Is this my calling.. are these my options.. am I ready to leave my comfort zone…? M not sure.. then why do I feel this..? Why do children and this world, the world in itself…its beauty and cruelty make me cry? Why do people upset me?

When living thousands of miles away, why does US presidential change bother me..? I see no refugees around me, then why does it hurt so much..?

I’m simply being good at unproductiveness.. inefficient passion is so fruitless.. confused passion is not what I’d expect out of me.. but looking back I see my life in a matchbox.. a matchbox with all half burned match sticks!!

Healing

I needed cleansing,

I needed healing….

So I travelled,

I travelled far and beyond,

I went to most beautiful and secluded beaches,

I spent hours listening to the waves crash landing on the rocks,

I spent hours watching the waves wash the shorelines,

But there was no healing…

I met people,

I trekked,

I visited temples,

I kneeled in churches,

But there was no healing…

I ventured through the jungles,

I found tranquility,

I found peace,

I sensed calmness,

But there was no healing…

Then one day I went to meet the big guy on the hill top

Big Buddha…

I sat down as lost as I could be,

Watching the beautiful ocean somewhere far away,

Watching a beautiful island spread around this big guy,

Watching the little bells and charms,

Clock went ticking,

Two hours went past,

I opened my eyes and….

I knew I was healed.

I felt light,

I felt refreshed,

I felt happiness dawning on me,

I knew I was healed.

Only if I knew I would be healed when I had to be… I didn’t have to go searching for it..