Category Archives: Personal melancholy and affirmations

Kitchen lessons- Part 1


Well well well.. cooking is something I dread. Few years ago I’d never ever make a statement like this.. From where I belong I’ve never heard any girl say ‘I don’t like cooking’.. because a statement like that would make the community question your mother as to what sort of upbringing she gave her daughter. But when life hits you, ‘cooking’ and ‘I don’t like cooking’ are two different things.. it’s like saying ‘ I don’t like walking’ but you still have to walk.. life leaves you with no choice..

Coming to the lesson, I set my mind on making South Indian kerala style beef roast.. after doing the basics and adding in the right amount of spices and dicing the beef so small I let it cook.. (I’m a well known YouTube follower atleast for recipes) but in this case the lady didn’t mention how long I had to cook the beef.. so half way through I checked on the beef. The colour wasn’t right yet I braved to taste it and voila.. nope.. ‘another unsuccessful cooking episode’ I thought to myself.. I sighed and prayed ‘Lord, give me some magic powder please…’. I stirred the beef just to notice it was burnt already.. I was at the verge of crying especially since I was going to serve food to my father-in-law for the first time ever… this is the last thing I wanted.. I tasted the now burnt beef to see how to fix it and……..
My goodness, surprise awaited me… my tastebuds danced in joy..! It was so close to being perfect.. I was over the moon no doubt and that’s when the bulb in me lit up.. I was preparing beef roast so I had to roast it.. simple. what was I thinking all this while..?!?!

Food for thought: So aren’t we all like this..? I mean, aren’t we ourselves like the beef roast I was trying to prepare..? We keep ourselves on minimal or mid flame, we are talented in some way or the other, we are potential, we are creative, we can definitely do better but we stick to our comfort zone, we never try to push ourself to be at high flame where it requires taking risks.. and we sulk, we become stagnant.. and the rest of our lives we are just there doing our jobs thinking what went wrong or where we went wrong.. we keep praying to God for making our lives better but hasn’t he done his part already by blessing us with opportunities, with talents, with potential..? Isn’t it upto us to use it the right way at the right time..?!?!

Meanwhile I just turned up the flame and according to me.. ‘let the beef burn’.. that was the best decision ever.. my FIL definitely returned home with a happy stomach..

After all kitchen isn’t a bad place… šŸ¤”šŸ™‚ I just have to learn to play with the flames (:

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Unworthy

“I’m sorry someone made you feel inadequate. I’m even more sorry you believed you were not enough not even for yourself”

This quote took me back 2 years in time.. the time I was married to a man i now identify as a narcissist. I’m glad that the marriage didn’t last. I’m sure both of us left scars on each other, his can be healed with love, mine cant.

Coming back to this quote, all i remember is me, a 26 year old lady crying like a 13 year old and making calls to her mum asking ‘mum, am I not good for anything?’ ‘mum, do you think your daughter is incapable?”mum is this how you brought me up?’. And that poor mum kept shuttling between her home and this broken lady’s house. My mum had a home to go back but all i had was a house. I couldn’t call that house as home because those walls had seen infinite arguments, those walls had a lady smashed on to it and things thrown at it.

Its close to unbelievable how a free bird, an independent lady like me,in many levels would just end up feeling so empty and unworthy. I was told everyday that i wasn’t good enough. the food i cooked wasn’t good enough. The things i painted were silly. the content i wrote was ugly. The things I wore weren’t good either. Up until then i considered myself as a jack of all, or a little less. i was an amateur at writing, painting, singing, dancing. I was a hardcore planner, a passionate traveler and a therapist. But every bit of my existence was labelled as unworthy. All i was called was lazy even though my other half only had to take shower and dress up all by himself, everything else was taken care of, I still don’t understand how or why I was called lazy.

But most of all, I believed in what he insisted me to believe in.. he made me feel and believe I wasn’t enough for him or even myself. That marked my downfall, I kept falling, I kept failing and kept proving him right. But unlike many others, i was lucky enough to be kicked out of that marriage. It broke my heart and existence initially but before i knew it, i was already in another country, back to being independent, working, travelling and meeting up with the love of my life..

I’ve come to realize that life couldn’t have given me a better gift than this opportunity to rediscover myself and reach this point of self realization that I’m enough!!! scars from the past do crop up, there are moments of self doubt, but then fate put love back into my life. At moments of self doubt Ā I now have a man to reassure me how worthy I am… I’ve just turned from unworthy to worthy all over again!!!

I hope everyone who feels unworthy finds a way to see the beauty and strength within themselves like how i did!!!

Confused Passion

There is now too much within me that needs a pillar to keep me up straight..

I know I want to travel, I know I want to feel new places, meet new people, taste different cuisines and serve the underprivileged..

and I question, why do I feel so deeply for all of the above..? Am I supposed to feel passionate about all of it or should I be choosing a path..?

I’m 28 for heavens sake, I thought I would have my life sorted. Well yes, I have a job that I love, I do travel, my personal life is balanced, then why do I feel incomplete..?

Is this my calling.. are these my options.. am I ready to leave my comfort zone…? M not sure.. then why do I feel this..? Why do children and this world, the world in itself…its beauty and cruelty make me cry? Why do people upset me?

When living thousands of miles away, why does US presidential change bother me..? I see no refugees around me, then why does it hurt so much..?

I’m simply being good at unproductiveness.. inefficient passion is so fruitless.. confused passion is not what I’d expect out of me.. but looking back I see my life in a matchbox.. a matchbox with all half burned match sticks!!

Healing

I needed cleansing,

I needed healing….

So I travelled,

I travelled far and beyond,

I went to most beautiful and secluded beaches,

I spent hours listening to the waves crash landing on the rocks,

I spent hours watching the waves wash the shorelines,

But there was no healing…

I met people,

I trekked,

I visited temples,

I kneeled in churches,

But there was no healing…

I ventured through the jungles,

I found tranquility,

I found peace,

I sensed calmness,

But there was no healing…

Then one day I went to meet the big guy on the hill top

Big Buddha…

I sat down as lost as I could be,

Watching the beautiful ocean somewhere far away,

Watching a beautiful island spread around this big guy,

Watching the little bells and charms,

Clock went ticking,

Two hours went past,

I opened my eyes and….

I knew I was healed.

I felt light,

I felt refreshed,

I felt happiness dawning on me,

I knew I was healed.

Only if I knew I would be healed when I had to be… I didn’t have to go searching for it..